


Love, Loss, and the Sea

by just_quintessentially_me



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Dealing With Loss, F/M, Feels, Loss, Romance, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2019-05-09 03:53:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14708579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/just_quintessentially_me/pseuds/just_quintessentially_me
Summary: Levi and Hanji deal with the corp's latest loss (Spoilers for chapter 105)“The kids,” she said - though she knew, she knew - they weren’t. Not anymore. “They’ve lost so much. We’ve all lost so much.”And now Sasha.Sasha.Hanji still couldn’t reconcile her memory of the bright, energetic young woman with the reality of the still, silent figure laid out below.When the wind picked up, Levi spoke.“I won’t lose you too.”As a statement, it was simple, straightforward, impossibly candid.Below, Connie sat with Sasha’s broken body.In her experience, a gentle lie was infinitely worse than a cruel truth, and so she said, “You might.”The hand on her leg reflexively squeezed.





	Love, Loss, and the Sea

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write something in the aftermath of chapter 105. So… chapter 105 spoilers ahead!

_Heartache._  Meaning: emotional anguish. Grief.

Hanji sat on the deck of the airship, perched on the edge, legs dangling over the side. Thin, cold railings pressed on either side of her thighs.

As she leaned forward, resting her forehead against cool metal, she decided linguists, in attempting to define the word, had really missed an essential component because -

Sasha’s body was below deck, laid out in a cool, dark room, and Hanji sat outside, where it was also very cold and very dark because being inside, where it was tense and quiet felt remarkably like drowning, and so -

She sat, watching the moon rise and bleed into the sea, painting a path across the distant, dispassionate water; and she clutched numbly at her chest, because it had happened again, and yet,  _and yet_  somehow the raw, physical ache of it still surprised her.

“When your skinny ass slips between the railings, I’m not diving in after you.”

His dry, rough voice clashed with the night, forcibly shattering its pressing melancholia.

Hanji, looping her elbows around the railings, defiantly kicked her feet out over the abyss and said, “Ah well, Jean would get that promotion, I suppose.”

Levi made a derisive sound and dropped down beside her. He hissed softly as he scooted forward, kicking his legs out over the edge.

“Leg acting up?”

His answer was a scowl and a quiet grunt of affirmation.

In the last few years the old injury had started to periodically flare up with pain. It wasn’t enough to seriously hinder him, but she’d noticed him favoring his good leg in the aftermath of their more strenuous missions.

“Old man,” she teased, affectionately bumping his shoulder, “We’ll have to figure out a way to wrap up this whole mess quickly. Then you can finally retire. Live out the rest of your days in some rural cottage.”

Levi didn’t respond, and she added, chuckling softly, “You can have a short little cane.”

At that, he huffed a breath and said, “And you’re gonna do what? Take up knitting?”

“Sure.” She shrugged. “Assuming my skinny ass doesn’t fall off the airship, of course.”

“Yeah, yeah,” He said dismissively, even as his gaze betrayed him, eyeing her proximity to the edge.

Truthfully, any kind of peaceful retirement was almost impossible to imagine, so far was it from anything either of them had ever known.

Sasha, on the other hand - now Hanji could picture her in the idyllic country scene.

Sometimes after dinner, when the lamps were turned low and the soldiers were winding down with a few drinks, all crowded around a small table, Hanji would overhear Sasha reminiscing about her village - the comfort of being surrounded by trees. On the rare occasion she wasn’t too busy, Hanji would stop and listen.

The girl had a talent for storytelling. Sitting cross-legged in her seat, she’d lean forward, gesticulating broadly with her hands, wide brown eyes bright - sharing stories of hunts and long days of exploring forests. Connie, chin perched on his knuckles, had watched her, entranced.

And now Sasha was silent.  _She had deserved so much better._

As if Levi had sensed the shift in her thoughts, he shifted, and his hard shoulder pressed against hers.

A cutting, sea-chilled breeze picked up, and Hanji hunched her shoulders, feeling abruptly sick, chilled to the core.

“Connie.” She inquired, quiet. “How is he?”

The wind whistled mournfully over the deck.

“He’ll survive.”

Hanji squeezed her good eye closed. Her other eye - the mangled mess that was left of it - ached.

She could still see Connie’s face. Pale, cheeks streaked with unchecked tears, eyes wide, set in a helplessly blank, hollow stare. And beside him, Jean’s shattered expression. She could still hear Armin and Mikasa’s gut-wrenching shouts. Eren’s heaving, broken laughter.

She remembered when they were fifteen, excited, ready to save humanity, eager to discover the world.

They had been so young.

They were still so young.

_Sasha was dead._

“I’m tired, Levi.”

It was a deep, sinking exhaustion she felt down to her bones. If she were to actually fall, dropping from the airship, crashing to the sea, she imagined she would sink slowly, inevitably into its depths, as if her body were laden with stone.

She tilted forward, observing the distant black water.

It would be cold.

But peaceful. Quiet.  

Not so bad.

She abruptly felt a heavy hand on her leg. Pale fingers twisted around the straps of her gear.

“You know, Levi - you don’t actually have to worry about me toppling off the airship.” She glanced to the side.

His dark eyes found hers. His fingers reluctantly released their panicked hold on the leather. His hand, however, remained, a light pressure on her thigh.

When he spoke, it was not what she was expecting.

“Moblit, Erwin, Mike, Nanaba….Sasha. You think they’re finally getting some rest?”

“ _God, I hope so_ ,” she breathed.

The hand on her leg squeezed.

Relaxing her hold on the bars, she leaned against him.

“The kids,” she said - though she knew, _she knew_  they weren’t. Not anymore. “They’ve lost so much. We’ve all lost so much.”

And now Sasha.

_Sasha._

Hanji still couldn’t reconcile her memory of the bright, energetic young woman with the reality of the still, silent figure laid out below.

When the wind picked up again, Levi spoke.

“I won’t lose you too.”

As a statement, it was simple, straightforward, impossibly candid.

_Below, Connie sat with Sasha’s broken body._

In her experience, a gentle lie was infinitely worse than a cruel truth, and so she said, “You might.”

The hand on her leg reflexively squeezed.

“I’ll do my best, though,” she said, “to stick around.” She looked out over the dark ocean. “But I’ve got a job to do, Levi. A part to play in this mess. For better or worse.”

The airship buzzed and above them the great blimp creaked and groaned.

If the world were fair, she wouldn’t have outlived those far younger than she; they’d had so much life left to live. It was wrong for Sasha and Moblit to have their lives cut cruelly short. They deserved so much more.

If the world were truly fair, they wouldn’t need to fight, die, and sacrifice at all.

But the world wasn’t fair.

Not yet, anyway.

Hanji aimed to leave it a better place than she’d found it. Where battles like these weren’t fought. A place where kids weren’t forced to die.

As if he’d read her mind, Levi said, “You and Erwin. Both of you - heads filled with ambitions and damn near impossible goals.” A pause. “I wasn’t made like that. But-” When he looked at her, there was a weight to his gaze the bespoke of sentiments he wouldn’t - or couldn’t articulate. 

“I go where you go,” he said, “for better or worse.”

With his Ackerman heritage, Levi was far more likely to survive the coming war than most. If he aimed to see her survive the war, or die trying - well that certainly impacted his life expectancy. Hanji knew she was an accomplished soldier in her own right - but she was not like Levi or Mikasa. And she didn’t relish the idea of Levi tying his own fate to hers.

But it was his choice to make. And regardless of her feelings about it, she was not so cruel as to take that from him.

“Then,” she said, pressing her hand over his, “Armin and I need to strategize. To survive this, we’re going to need one fucking brilliant plan.”

Levi nodded, as if there was not a doubt in his mind about her and Armin’s ability to do just that.

When she closed her eye, she saw Sasha’s pale face. Blood splattered on the floor. Connie’s tears.

All they’d lost so far -  _and now Sasha, smiling Sasha_  - it would not,  _could not_  be in vain. She refused to allow it.

Gripping the railing, she pressed up and stood. “We’ve got work to do.”

Levi stood with her.

Wind tousled his hair as he reached for the door. He held it open and warm light cut onto the deck. “Lead the way, Commander.”

With a light, appreciative touch to his arm, she turned her back on the dark sea that lay ahead. Brushing past him, she stepped into the light.


End file.
